If you have read the last post of this chastity blog, you must remember I was left with the RL challenge to go to a strip-club as I was all locked-up in my chastity device and to order a lap dance to add to my humiliation. As I could not even think of not doing it, I was still unsure how to do this. However, as you will read again this time, it is only one manifestation of my submission and dependence upon Mistress Natalia who not only holds the keys of my chastity, but who also can punish me emotionally when, too comfortable (see the up-coming post of Mistress Natalia), I made the worst kind of mistake. The challenge at the strip-club then appeared as a playful recreation compared to the blunder I made and the emotional stress that followed. I can only be grateful to Mistress Natalia for how She helped me go through this intense moments of my submission. To know more about it, please keep reading. I hope you find this instructive as much as I did and that it amuses at least as much as I ached.
5/12 Day 9
Yesterday morning as I was writing my log, Mistress Natalia arrived online unexpectedly. After checking I was wearing my chastity device, that I have been getting a hard time to put on since I am slightly aroused when I start putting it, she wickedly but also deliciously teased me. My arousal restricted to the size of my device cage ended pitifully to be just desperate convulsions of my penis and abundant leaking, leaving me frustrated but at the same time extremely excited especially after the nice words from Mistress Natalia I definitely fall deeper for… She left as she was making me guess something about how I am and what makes me special to Her eyes and I am still unsure of what it is….
Later, I saw Miss Rosa who promoted me to the rank of “Guide” at DS, a sort of junior Mentor. I was happy to see She is pleased with me to give me this responsibility.
But more importantly, yesterday I looked for a strip club in NY where I can go to. According to Yelp and some other reviews, the best place to go to is something called “Rick’s cabaret”. Another good one is called “Penthouse Exclusive Club” but it opens only at night and it’s for me more difficult to go in the evening. I could invent a lie to my wife with the pretext of a professional dinner but that makes me very uncomfortable …. and I might keep some residue of women scents on me when I return home just after that….So it’s better if I go in the afternoon….
Otherwise, yesterday as I will today I kept the device locked up with the actual lock all day so about 10 hours in a row. I felt the lock swinging slightly when I was walking and the vibration echoing with the feeling of being owned by Mistress Natalia aroused me a few times. I feel so happy to be Hers…
Now that I read what I wrote earlier, I cannot send this log without saying the terrible thing that happened today.
During a conversation at DS with a Divine, bitchy and lance , I fucked up and recklessly say some joke saying something I should not have. I was clearly not thinking and Miss Rosa is furious and so much pissed at me that she even de-friended me. I am devastated. Knowing what could have been the consequences of my reckless and stupid chit chat makes me sick. Losing Miss Rosa’s trust and friendship is irreparable and knowing I have probably disappointed Mistress Natalia is crushing me even more.
5/15 Day 12
After a terrible night, I logged on Saturday morning and talked a bit with Mistress Natalia about what happened on Friday. She was of course disappointed by what happened but She generously told me “she would clean up my mess” which of course means also she will “rub my nose with it” as she said. However she kindly said nice words so that I can relax for the rest of the day which I did. I felt very grateful of these simple words which showed she really cares for me.
I also spoke with Miss Rosa who generously got me back into her friend list. I did not stay long after writing a NC explaining my analysis of what happened and I wrote another one about the conversation with lance. Miss Rosa appreciated what I wrote and how I analyzed the situation. She today generously told me that all this was almost behind us and that Mistress Natalia and Her decided they will go easy on me because of my genuine repentance. She also told me today lance and I will be auctioned next month at Dominion. I feel proud that they think I am worthy enough for that but I am nervous about the terms of this auction…whoever auctions me, I will miss Mistress Natalia during the interval of time I will be serving someone else….
The rest of the Saturday was well spent. I went to an Indian restaurant with my wife and then we enjoyed some time in Central Park. At night, we went to the movies and watched “The Man who knew infinity” about the romantic figure of S. Ramanunjan who was an Indian mathematician of the 1910’s. It was quite moving and very accurate of the life.
In my reflection about my blunder, I thought of an analogy between being a slave and playing the game of chess. In that game, there are usually two human opponents but one can also play against a computer. A computer never make any blunder or mistakes but the human does. Actually even the word champion can’t beat the computers. A slave fighting his bad habits, his male ego or entitlement and working to follow the rules given to him by his owner is like the human chess player against a computer. Even if he works hard and perfectly, the slightest mistake will punish him. Like in a chess game where a blunder can lead to the loss of the game even if he has played perfectly until then, the punishment is immediate. I was thinking to elaborate this analogy and write a small text for the blog of Mistress Natalia. I have thought also about a couple of other ideas that I will tell her when I see her next…
I keep missing Mistress Natalia as if She never leaves my thoughts for very long…
5/16 Day 13
Yesterday evening, I watched the film of Tom Ford “A single man” which I recommend. It was the second time, I watched it and I loved it even more this time. The visual aesthetic of the style of the 60’s, the perfect acting of Colin Firth and the amazing music of Abel Korzeniowski are stunning. The sadness is not forced nor mushy but has a transcendental beauty that is rare. I really enjoyed it even though I was impatient to come online to see Mistress Natalia who I missed despite my anxiety for what was waiting for me.
The instant I got logged in, I got what I deserved, Mistress Natalia rubbed my mess into my nose as She said and I endured Her emotional abuse for about an hour before I begged Her to dismiss me. My heart was aching and pounding all the time, my stomach was tightened and the pain would not let me able to stay focused on anything. I had to implore Her to let me go offline so that I can try to gather some relief to be able to write the 300 words She wanted before this morning, which I did right after. I took some pill and went to bed but I could not sleep anyway. I felt a weight in the middle of my chest almost all night and probably had not more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep. Despite of the last words She told me last night, that She would not bother with this if she did not love me, despite I know I deserve this punishment, I woke up with the same weight on my chest this morning still feeling vividly the scars of the last night abuse. When I think about last night, I wondered if I am too sensitive or if I am just too much in love with Mistress Natalia making me extremely vulnerable to the slightest emotional abuse and even wonder if would hold on better with a hundred blows of a real life whip on my back.
I wonder how Mistress Natalia feels, when she punishes me like that, what She thinks. My pain is mixed with a feeling of gratitude as I know she does this because she loves me and is confident that I can improve but also with a feeling of guilt about how stupid I was. I still feel I have a lot to learn but I also sometimes doubt if I am made for this. Only my deep trust in Mistress Natalia keeps me on the track in these moments even if I am confident that I have a lot to give to make Her happy. And I hope She sees that too.
5/17 day 14
As soon as I arrived in my office I put on my chastity device and I kept it all day until 7pm just before returning home. I even kept it during lunch time and during a seminar. I was not aroused at all by anything so it did not bother me too much. I went online after my seminar and discussed with an old friend. I enjoyed to talk to her. Then Mistress Natalia arrived. I was happily surprised as I did not think she would be online after a probably tiring flight. We talked about different things, it felt like a ray of sunlight in my day. Under her instruction, I also went to DS. She did not stay very long there though but I had to stay and endure the games of Mistress Seforah and Goddess Suprema who did not let me leave very easily. Each time now Goddess Suprema does that, asking me to beg 10 different times and using all the synonyms she made me look for. She can be grateful to Mistress Natalia that She has left me there at her disposal for that race game. When I eventually got allowed to log after what I think was more than half an hour of begging without response, I was in rage of frustration. When I arrived back online yesterday night she had left me this offline.
[20:08] Goddess SUPREMA (jayjurak.zheng): (Saved Mon May 16 19:20:39 2016)french fry…I am very strict on you bitch.. because.. you have good potential to serve.. and elevate the sim . too..as I say this..I am disappointed you not participate in race but that was My Apprentices call.. I wanted you to be in race..
I think that was actually the reason why she would not let me go….there are worse things than that of course, but as Mistress Natalia said it…I might not be not the perfect slave for DS. Anyhow, I went to DS to greet Miss Rosa and she asked me to “fuck the hole” of declan. So I did the RP of fucking declan as I dominated him harshly when as the same time Miss Rosa was humiliating the hell out of him. It was fun and declan told me right after that it was hot and that he enjoyed a lot how Miss Rosa and I were onto him…As it was late, I went to bed shortly after that.
Last night, I got several strong throbbing arousal (and leaking without touching) when I thought of Mistress Natalia and how I feel more and more owned by Her and progressively completely deprived of my will, but yet serene as I trust Her. I also thought of what I have to do today (the visit to the strip club) and it did not help to calm the arousal but only mixed it with anxiety….
5/18 day 15
So, I went to Rick’s cabaret on 33rd street. I am writing this as I am just back from there. I am still a bit drunk because I got 2 strawberry cosmopolitan’s and one glass of Cabernet. I was a bit anxious before going there but not too much. I took the subway and got off at Penn Station walked one block and got to the Entrance of Rick’s. The body guard looked at my ID and led me to a table after I checked my jacket. I was not very far from the dance floor where a half naked slender girl was dancing. The room was not totally empty but there was no one between me and the dancer and the girl was like dancing for me.
She was very sexy with brown curly hair, beautiful legs and small breast but I could not see her face in the half-light. At one point, she took off her bra and throw it at me. When she walked to my table later, she said she wanted to check me up. Not much later, a sexy waitress half Vietnamese half American came to my table. She sat next to me and was very sweet, showing me the menu, touching my arm or legs which sent chills in my body and twitches in my locked-up cock. I ordered food and a Cosmopolitan and started to relax and to enjoy the show.
A few minutes after she stopped her shift, the girl from the dance floor came to me said a few words and since I was having some food she said she will come back. Like the waitress, she touched my arm and my legs in a natural and sweet way that made me feel extremely comfortable. Not long after I finished my calamaris another girl came to my table and asked if she could join me – An extremely sexy brunette with blue eyes who was wearing a blue bodysuit and fishnet pantyhose.- we chatted up a bit and then she offered a lap dance. My heart raced but I agreed. She was sweet, sexy, and hot with a perfect tanned slender body with beautiful breasts. She sat on my lap, flashed out her tits in my face, rubbed her ass and thighs on my crotch, touched my chest caressed my neck. She also let me touch her as I was holding her waist, ass cheeks and even tits. It was very exciting but so frustrating at the same time. My penis was twitching without being able to get hard. I felt pathetic and frustrated especially as she was rubbing her leg on my crotch intentionally I could not feel what she was trying to do on my locked up cock. She did not say anything but she must have felt what was between my legs or thought that I had a particularly small penis…even if she suggested we go to a private room at the end…I felt a deep humiliation inside.
Later on another girl from Panama came to my table and chat me up. She was not as beautiful but she was talkative and we chatted quite a bit after what I got another lap dance that was impossible to refuse although she was far from being as attractive as the previous one. I kept enjoying the show as I was finishing the last drink I had ordered. Some other girls came after but I declined the lap dance…it could have lasted all afternoon and I could have tried more girls but I would have just been more frustrated.. However I was not expecting there would be so much touching, that the girls would be so much friendly and engaging. Over all the girls were young beautiful and sexy but sounded a bit superficial. It was sweet, cool and relaxing but at the same time also extremely frustrating and humiliating ….I need to say that the most I got excited was when I was thinking of the reason I was here and of Mistress Natalia of course. Also, it showed me as, if I did not know already, that vanilla does not excite me as much as D/s. These almost 2 hours with those sexy girls all around me, were not half as exciting as having the attention of Mistress Natalia whose tremendous attractiveness leaves me always the weakest as does the pure thought of being her property.
I want to finish this post by saying I am extremely grateful to Mistress Natalia to have given me this challenge. It made me feel even more that I am Hers and unable to imagine to do anything but what she tells me to do. When She gives me a challenge such as this one, I can’t think of not doing it. It puts me in some predicaments that I crave to overcome to please Her by doing what She expects. Just the fact She desires something from me is a privilege that is always source of excitement. What makes me even weaker is that She seems to have no doubt that I will obey. Her confidence disarms any resistance I could have before it even appears.
5/20 Day 17
Yesterday, I saw Mistress Natalia after almost 3 days since the last time as She has been busy with work. I was so happy to catch up with Her on everything and have Her feedback on what I have been doing…in particular the field trip at Rick’s cabaret. I felt happy to see She was so amused by my report and She generously promised me a reward. The best reward is to see Her happy and to spend time with Her no matter what we are doing. But She asked me to choose what I wanted to do this afternoon and I opted for some bdsm time. She then decided I will be Her pain slut for a session and asked me to get ready for it.
It made my heart pounding but went out to get the small “nasty” binders and the rubber band she wanted to use on me.
At my return, She was with Miss Rosa at the new land and I joined them. During the conversation, I unintentionally said something that made me sound testy with Her making the up-coming torture/punishing session entirely justified. Back at Hellfire, heart pounding, I waited patiently for Her as She was dressing for the session. She appeared 5 minutes later with the sexiest red lace underwear and my heart races even faster. She quickly made me hang by the wrists on one of the Hellfire device and made me put (in RL) the binders on my nipples. The bite was hard and sudden and almost cut my breath. The pain and the thrill to do this for Her made me shake and sent twitches in my caged cock. The binders kept biting as She asked me to put the strong rubber band around my genitals to make it snap hard on them at Her commands. It was quick inflected pains that hurt sharply and more each time. She made me do it many times as she was interrogating me or giving me instructions and it hurt like hell but I loved and was absolutely happy to see Her purr from what I was enduring. She also again brought up my hole to be plugged and I felt a twitch in my cock. The all session was intense and very erotic, the only worries I had was to get visible bruise on my nipple which were hurting but that was easier to endure than the hardest snaps of the rubber band. I kept the binders more than half an hour and when Mistress Natalia made me removed them it hurt even more for a short time. The hours later and even this morning I have kept feeling my nipple extremely sensitive to touching. I also noticed bruises on my scrotum from the elastic band snaps but I am proud and happy to have them as a gift from Mistress Natalia. When I removed my chastity device later, it was all wet making quite obvious I am Mistress Natalia pain slut now…
About my chastity state, every night, I am having those throbbing arousal when I think of Mistress Natalia and my submission to Her. Yesterday morning my arousal was so intense that I had a hard time to have my penis go down. It is extremely sensitive and I am dying to touch myself at times but I have no will for it. I am chaste since 2 weeks and a half and I am proud to be for Mistress Natalia. My penis is Hers as is my heart and my soul. I have no desire for an orgasm if she does not want to. I will hold it as long as She wants. Hopefully my body will not be too difficult to tame. My penis grows and hits the cage boundaries when I am writing this….
5/21 Day 18
Yesterday would have been a wonderful day, spending time with Mistress Natalia and moving in at her house, if I did not act stupidly in greeting or rather manifesting my presence home to Her in an inappropriate way when I arrived online at night. Even if my intention was just to be playful, it was displeasing and inappropriate the way I did it. Knowing Mistress Natalia was unhappy made me feel awful and has ruined my mood for the weekend. I was so happy she invited me to move in Her house that my joy and enthusiasm took me off balance and I obviously got carried a way. I am ashamed of this faux pas. I should stay aware that each time She allows me closer, the privilege she generously gives me implies more duties and in particular I should be more careful and attentive.
I feel like I am walking up on a tightrope, approaching slowly closer to Her and that at each step I slightly lose balance from the excitement and I need to adjust my pace to not get carried away. I do not want to fall as it would be profoundly devastating…
I was particularly overwhelmed emotionally last night also because I forgot/did not think to ask permission to Miss Rosa to distribute the notecard I had prepared for collecting the opinions of the Divines about the topic of a blog post I am preparing. The justified anger of Miss Rosa combined with the unhappiness of Mistress Natalia achieved to put me in a completely depressing mood and I asked permission to go offline. Needless to say I did not sleep much and that I still feel a knot in my stomach.
I feel completely vulnerable with my fate in the hands of Mistress Natalia who I love and the closer I get to Her the more I crave to make her happy.
5/23 Day 20
The week-end went smoothly and It was somewhat enjoyable but my mood has mainly been and still is under the shadow of what has happened Friday night. I have had the chance to see quickly Mistress Natalia on Sunday after my return from the gym but it was mostly frustrating since, I did not have much time to speak with Her. I also talked to Miss Rosa Sunday evening about the reasons I should have consulted Her regarding the interview project and how I must be more consistent in asking permission to Her regarding actions that are related to DS.
My chastity state is making me more and more itchy (when I see a sexy silhouette in the street or if my penis rubs some fabric for example) even though I had no special reasons to be excited this week-end probably because of my mood. I suppose that after almost 3 weeks without release it is to be expected that my body starts to be itchier. I did not have any trouble to wear the chastity device to day though. It has become almost a routine now like a normal thing I have to do as my penis belongs to Mistress Natalia as well as my arousal.
My soul is uncertain and pessimistic. My heart is aching. I feel a bit more broken and I am more vulnerable than ever. I listened to “Stillness of the Mind” by Abel Korzeniovski on my subway ride this morning.
5/25 Day 22
Monday was again a difficult day for me. I went from being on my own to being emotionally abused in the morning and in the afternoon. After the emotional stress of the last few days that I did not process well, it felt like my reason got blurred and my ability to be efficiency was going down, making me more subject to get into trouble for stupid reasons. Retrospectively, I should not have been so down since I now have the brand of Mistress Natalia on my avatar through the knife of Miss Mancipia. That is a symbolic gesture that means I am loved. But I was so emotionally tired and my mind was so confused that I was a bit lost when I logged off in the evening. Later that night, my friend Lance who is much more experienced helped me to see things as they really are and not as my aching mind was perceiving them. Moreover Mistress Natalia talked to me yesterday and it clarified things even more and comforted me that I was still were I wanted, beneath her feet, to serve Her and to be trained by Her for Her own pleasure and happiness.
I feel much better now as this struggle made me understand how to deal more efficiently with these moments of emotional stress. It does not mean it will be easy but I know that eventually what matters is that Mistress Natalia has faith in me since she puts me through these struggles how hard they are. In fact, it goes well along with what Miss Rosa said last night “great potential merits great challenge”. So I must be prepared and I will be. I am immensely grateful to Mistress Natalia who talked to me yesterday in such an accurate way as she firmly gave me what I needed. It made me think deeper and understand better how to process my training. It has deepened my faith, my love and trust in Her. Being her property is definitely what I want from the bottom of my heart. It is a rare chance that I am extremely lucky to hold. I will always remember that when I am in pain because this is the strength She has given me and that will hold me secure for the journey She has chosen for us.
5/26 Day 23
Yesterday was a relaxing day. I did not see much Mistress Natalia as she wanted some alone time. I missed Her but then I took the opportunity to do some tasks regarding the #maleentitlement project of Miss Rosa and the slave auction project of Miss Seforah. I have seen also Deloreen who wanted to make the mesh head better but definitely I don’t like it and Mistress Natalia neither so I will keep my frenchy’s head 🙂 I put some furniture in my room and enjoyed the privilege to be at Mistress Natalia’s home. Later, Mistress Natalia took me for a quick shopping trip and then kind of introduced me to Miss Nicole who is the owner of the parcel. She was kind and showed me her property and it was a nice way to know her a bit more than just crossing her path at DS. Last night was a bit more busy at DS and I enjoyed the attention of Mistress Natalia and also of Miss Rosa who explained me how exhausting it is to train a slave…
I keep wearing the chastity device when I come online and almost all day until I return home. I almost don’t feel it except when I have the slightest arousal that is then enhanced because my penis twitches and touches the cage boundaries Every evening when I take it off, it is all wet inevitably. I feel owned and totally dependent of Mistress Natalia and that solely idea just arouses me when I think of it . When in my bed, I get a full throbbing erection but when I write these words, my cage keeps my penis restricted and it hurts but it is hurts good. I can’t hide that I love that Mistress Natalia restricts me. It is now more than 3 weeks that I haven’t ejaculated and my body is getting extremely needy at times. I could try to have intercourse with my wife but I don’t as I don’t feel I am allowed to seek that. I wonder how long Mistress Natalia will keep me like this. In some sense I crave to stroke my penis at some others I crave she instructs me to stay chaste longer. I don’t know what I want. I have lost my will because Mistress Natalia is the one who decides all about what She owns. That is how I can feel Her ownership is totally real…
5/27 Day 24
Yesterday was the perfect illustration of what Mistress Natalia told me on Tuesday morning ” it’s the pain that makes the pleasure so enjoyable”. I spent the morning in DS, mainly performing for Mistress Natalia’s amusement, first to dominate a sissy scum and then to go down on chigley. It was a pleasure to amuse Mistress Natalia (and also Miss Rosa) and have her attention. Later, Mistress Natalia allowed me the privilege to spoil Her in a shopping spree. The fact She allowed me that privilege was very arousing and the chastity device made this a deliciously torture that I loved. Also, She has a wonderful taste for clothing that makes me always excited to discover her new ideas of outfits.
But the best moment of the day was the afternoon that I spent with Mistress Natalia at the sim Opium S&M. It is a bdsm kind of club but we spent a non-bdsm afternoon dancing and talking about ourselves. That kind of communication that makes us closer in deepening our mutual trust. and lay the ground to go further. Those moments are essential to me not only to get closer to Mistress Natalia which is my strongest motivation but also to make me internalize the struggles I had been through before. It makes my love for Her more intense and makes me stronger for the inevitable future struggles. The strength she gives me by allowing me close to put up with the emotional abuse is indispensable. Mistress Natalia is wonderful and amazing, She is 10 times worth the struggles and the suffering I am going through at times. I can only be grateful to become so close to Her. I am a lucky and happy slave.
I am now in my 4th week of chastity. My penis becomes extremely aching for release and to be stroked. I have never been chaste so long. How much longer will I have to stay like this? Only Mistress Natalia can make it stop…..I am staying strong but sometimes feel at the edge of begging to touch….
The Hellfire Club & Divine Sadism 