My chastity log – part 5.

Posted: May 24, 2016 by frenchy in Articles, Feel the Hellfire, Isn't It Divine?, Submissive Thoughts

After ten weeks under the training of Mistress Natalia, I see myself becoming more and more addicted, submissive and obsessed. Every day, the desire to please and serve Her is enhanced by the feeling of a growing emotional bond making me do things I had never done before. Giving up more control, enduring more abuse and at the same time becoming more vulnerable; but also working on growing a thicker skin to cope with the emotional stress. And then, discovering the blissfulness in the intimacy of an erotic moment acting as a miracle remedy against the torment of the emotional pain. It’s the roller coaster of emotions which I was evoking in the introduction of the part 1 of this log.

Mistress Natalia is always in control, making sure the relation does not become stale or monotone with a genial intuition of taking advantage of any random circumstance. She use them to amuse Herself but also to make me learn and adjust my training when it’s needed. It helps me to perfect my ways to please and serve Her and embrace my submission fully but maybe more importantly this keeps reminding me how lucky I am to be on this journey with Mistress Natalia.  Hopefully, you will keep an interest or amuse yourself in reading more about what actually happened in this 5th sequence of my chastity log.

MedicalShoot_010
4/12 Day 6

Yesterday was the second day with the chastity device. Mistress Natalia did a photo shoot and humiliated/teased me with her strap-on which kept me twitching and leaking pre-cum all that  time. This sensations of frustration and excitement all at once are intense, addicting like an edging  and is accentuating the frustrating effect of the chastity.
I kept the device from 11 am to 6 pm continuously and each time I was interacting with my Mistress the circle twitching-growing- hitting the boundaries of the cage-leaking went on. At lunch time, I went out with it and I could never forget it was there. When seeing other women, especially attractive ones, I could not help imagining what they would think if they knew. Since just that thought would make me twitch,  I  tried to focus on other things which was actually difficult because the contact of the device on my penis is a constant reminder of my submission to Mistress Natalia.  When I came back online, Mistress Natalia and Lady Pearle had organized a “play date”. It was actually quite fun. I do enjoy dominating other submissive(s) with the my Mistress’s encouragement, knowing She is amused by it. I hope we have more of these things. It’s very entertaining.

Yesterday night Mistress Natalia told me she has seen subliminal messages in this log about my urges for orgasms. It was a bit of a surprise because the orgasm is what we call “la petite mort” and as this French expression could suggest it is not actually the best part. More exciting are actually  the foreplay, the teases and  the physical act (before orgasm) that one would ideally keep as long as possible, which would be an edging if one doesn’t orgasm. I guess these messages of urges just occur as a result of my body’s frustration to cum after the tease, the dirty thoughts and the chastity which is imposed. So it’s my body speaking…not me. Anyhow, as a result, Mistress Natalia instructed me to masturbate 10 times today….I will record the result tomorrow in my log.

4/13 Day 1

The night before Yesterday, I woke up around 4 am. I was not horny but I was thinking about what I will have to do. Then I started willingly to think about things that should arouse me. From thinking one thing to another and without touching my penis, I felt the arousal growing so much and so fast that I started to throb and leak in no time.
It was an increasing dream or/and reality about my relationship with Mistress Natalia and the result  was almost breathtaking. It felt like my arousal could be controlled by pure thought which was of course an illusion. I now only remember a fragment of the things I thought.I wish I could have recorded it.

I slept longer and woke up a bit before 6 am. I could not wait longer to masturbate a first time. I did so in the bathroom to be alone. As my mind was fantasizing about my Mistress, the release was sweet and delicious and it felt like I ejaculated most of what I had been keeping in my testicles. I returned to bed and slept one more hour. When I woke up I was alone in the bed so I did it a second time slowly but without edging willing to save my energy for the next 8 times to come. I slept again one more hour and repeated the process almost mechanically two more times. I did not take much pleasure of it. Each time the amount of sperm was smaller obviously. My only motivation was to obey and please Mistress Natalia and I would get aroused by just thinking about pleasing her and being obedient. I arrived in my office around 10:30. I wrote my log and worked and then  went to lunch. I did the 5th time around 2pm. I did it fast mechanically with the same fantasying images in my mind but with a sad “petite mort” ending. The repetition starting to become depressing. I logged to get some distraction of the boredom and the solitude this little game entails.  I did not stay long as some colleagues knocked at my door to ask some technical questions. It was a good distraction one hour after which I did it a 6th time by looking at some porn pictures of Dominatrix on the web. I took my time and I could enjoy it a little bit more thanks to some sexy photos that I found. I did the 7th and 8th time similarly but with much less amusement and much more frustration of how boring it was becoming. I returned online after the tea break but did not feel like doing anything and just wrote my log knowing I had 2 more to go, knowing it will be boring and depressing to do this alone again mechanically. Eventually I accompanied Mistress Natalia to a shooting in an urban zone scene. As I was there, waiting pathetically that she does her shooting, I did it one more time drawing some excitement from the humiliation to be waiting in her presence. Surprisingly I still had cum to ejaculate. For the last and 10th times, I did it at home after isolated myself in the bathroom. I fantasized again about my submission for Mistress Natalia and got very aroused and  very hard however how hard I tried I could not cum. I tried one more time an hour later with the same result. My testicles must have been emptied after all…I felt lonely, depressed and pathetic pretty much as I felt the whole day.

 

4/14 Day 2

Yesterday, Mistress Natalia allowed me to not redo the 10 forced ejaculations which was a relief since I was really dried out from the day before. Instead, I was officially invited to join the editors of the blog of Mistress Natalia. I was happy for the trust She demonstrated in me and to be able to participate more in this adventure. She has given me the task to publish posts about this log. This is forcing me to reread what I wrote 2 months ago and see how I was compared to how I am now. In that sense it is quite interesting. On the other hand, it exposes myself to a larger public on things that were only intended to be read by Mistress Natalia. It is not that I am shy but it is a bit intimate. On the other hand cutting off certain parts would probably not represent well how I live my submission. I am still pondering how to proceed…

Regarding my chastity and arousal, the same pattern has continued the last 2 nights: In the middle of my sleep, I wake up thinking of my Mistress and without touching  I feel instantaneously my penis grow hard, throb and leak for Her, making it difficult for me to return to sleep.

4/15 Day 3

Yesterday, I spent a wonderful time with Mistress Natalia who spoiled me at my place where we shot photos. Mistress Natalia loves to do shootings and she has an amazing  talent to edit Her photos. Spending time with her feels my heart and there is nothing like being able to please and making Her happy whatever it takes to do so. In these moments, more than others, the bond we have is strengthening in  trust and openness. It intensified my love, my addiction to Her and this feeling of being Hers. We also tried to shop for Her at Collabor88 but the lag was awful. I hope we have another opportunity to spoil Her as She deserves. Last night again, I woke up with a strong arousal for my Mistress and I stroke thinking of Her but chose not to ejaculate…

 

4/16 Day 4

Yesterday night Mistress Natalia and Miss Rosa had fun in teasing me to end up leaving me alone. I wasn’t really worried that it would last very long and I was waiting when Miss Rosa sent me a teasing IM that I interpreted as a desire to see how miserable I was feeling to be up there. So, I replied in that sense and I sent a similar comment to Mistress Natalia afterwards. Eventually Miss Rosa teleported me and I was privileged to witness and slightly participate to a very erotic moment between Mistress Natalia and Miss Rosa. After which, Mistress Natalia and Miss Rosa told me how they were unhappy about whiny the IM I had sent to Mistress Natalia was. I felt miserable and the emotional abuse that followed made my heart shrink and stomach tighten so much to realize how I had deceived my Mistress.

I knew it was going to come and for one reason or another I did not see it coming.
Was it because I was a bit drunk or because I felt overconfident and “entitled” with a special status as they suggested? I don’t think so. I don’t feel entitled or better than others. Especially because how new and inexperienced, I am in this sadist and supremacist
female world I try to survive in, motivated by my desire to please my Mistress.

By now, I know that it doesn’t matter how good I (try to) behave  if these  two amazing
machiavellian Dominatrix (I am so privileged to spend time with) want to fuck me emotionally,  I have no way to escape it.

There is no better way to feel fucked in this manner when you intentionally do something
to please and that the result ends up to be interpreted (intentionally or not) as a bad behavior. I will never know for sure if this was intentional or not but it does not really matter. It hurts anyway. It makes me feel guilty and stupid to have been off guard. However I can be confident  about my deep intentions, my honesty and my ability to please, it makes me feel miserable. Well accepting my fate is also part of the pleasure they have about it. That was their goal anyway and it is reached.

Most of all, I am miserable because I love and want to please my Mistress and I can never
know for sure of the proportion of pleasure and deception she has about me. Rationally,
I believe I stand well,  but these emotional abuses perturb things in the most perverse way. Still I will take it and submit because I love my Mistress and if that is how she wants to train me I will accept it without complaining. I desire to show her that even if I make mistakes, my intentions are always honorable and I will therefore gratefully accept the punishment  to learn to serve Her better even if that means suffering more.

MedicalShoot_007

 

4/17 Day 5

Today was a beautiful day in New York. I went to the gym this morning and I went out for lunch and spent most of the afternoon in Central Park. I tried to go around and do things normally but I could not stop thinking about Mistress Natalia and how guilty I felt to have displeased Her on Friday night. I cannot stop thinking about it and how I should adjust myself so that this mistake never happens again. I can measure in these moments how much I need to make Her always happy and how I am dependent of doing so  in order to feel calm and happy myself. Yesterday, I felt up side down as my previous entry could show. I did not know what to think, how to process what happened. My emotions mixed with my rational thinking and I felt a bit lost at times. I am working on Miss Rosa assignment and it takes me some time to think about all this before I can write anything down but it helps me to process what happened.

I can’t wait to talk to Mistress Natalia in order to do a reconciliation and show Her that making Her happy is and will always be what motivates me.

 

4/18 Day 6

Yesterday, I was so happy to see Mistress Natalia, to speak with her about what  happened and  had the pleasure to shoot photos for my next chastity log post. It is always a pleasure to do these shooting with Her and I think I have dome some nice ones. I will work on editing them with gimp this week. I felt relieved to have had this reconciliation  moment with her. She gave me my punishment  that I will carry for one week and endure it for Her as I must.

So for my punishment I was left in an unknown Sim with the instruction to return to DS by foot and with very strict RLV restrictions.  More precisely the restrictions are no TP, no IM, no ability to fly,  no Inventory, no names visible. I discovered quickly what the parcel was.  However, I was on a full Sim region without any adjacent region making it impossible to leave it by foot. I visited all the parcels but none were very interesting and I found myself stuck there and bored to death. I started then to wonder if I was not supposed to find my way back to DS in a metaphoric sort of way, something I would have to figure out with Mistress Natalia the next day.

However, this predicament also gave me time to think again about my mistake and my condition. I felt happy and grateful to my Mistress for this punishment that I receive as a teaching to serve Her better. That isolation gave me that peace that allows you to think with some detachment but also with the comfort to know that there will be an end to it. It makes me feel more submissive and more enslaved to Her and therefore more where I belong and desire to be as Her full property.

4/19 Day 7

Yesterday morning I explained to Mistress Natalia what my predicament was in the sim and She instructed me to keep trying to find my way out. After my return from the PhD committee I was in and drank some Champagne in honor of the successful candidate I came back online to  keep exploring the  sim and try to find some trick to leave that region but after considering all the possibilities, I just put myself on the beach in a sort of meditation. It was just a short while before Mistress Natalia came to visit me and check that the region was indeed a real prison. After what, She generously parked me somewhere else and I figured quickly I was in the same region as DS but just  on the other end of the sim. So even without orientation tools, it was still easy to find my way back to DS and I rejoined the discussion group where Mistress Natalia, Miss Rosa and other Divines were in company of a couple of scums. It was a bit frustrating to follow well the conversation or to respond since I could not see names, however I immediately noticed when Mistress Natalia or Miss Rosa were talking as they both have a very special way to communicate. It was an interesting and comforting observation which made me feel like at home since I could recognize the voice of my Mistress even though I was kind of blindfolded. Before she left for the night, She generously told me my punishment was over and that we can go back to business (of course I am keeping the restriction until Monday). I woke up early today since I have some work to do in the morning and I wanted to have time to see Her before she leaves for DC.

4/20 Day 8

No much to say about today since it was a very busy day at work and I came online tonight  just to write in my log that I woke up thinking about Mistress Natalia which produced a throbbing erection that became harder at the thought of her desire to have me stay chaste as She mentioned yesterday morning.

4/23 Day 11

Friday was another busy day at work. I finished it with a dinner with my wife and my host in a good Spanish restaurant in my neighborhood. However during the night and this morning, I woke up thinking of Mistress Natalia and I felt aroused and throbbing, leaking as it happens very often now. Seeing myself becoming more and more dependent of Her, being Her property, unable to even consider to disobey Her commands but only craving them and discovering an incipient desire to become more vulnerable by giving Her more RL information.

I entered in the shower with this throbbing erection. As I felt my testicles aching not to be allowed to have an orgasm, I decided to shave my penis and scrotum instead since Mistress Natalia might require me to wear the device next week….

This morning, when my wife was out shopping, since the weather was so nice, I took some air in Central Park with my headset listening to some good tune. As I was walking,  I thought about the theme of entitlement that is dear to Miss Rosa since I saw she were organizing a discussion about that theme. And, I was wondering if I was entitled, I could not think I was but I realized that the idea of not being entitled to any rights but instead needing the permission of Mistress Natalia for anything was extremely erotic to me and as I kept walking, I felt a strong arousal like I have during those nights. I am sure it was visible to any good observer since my throbbing and leaking penis was extremely hard…..it stayed there for a while as I was trying to think of something else before returning home….Mistress Natalia is always in my thoughts, She is taking possession of my every breath…. It’s not only my penis and body that She owns and controls, but also my heart and my mind that she is imperceptibly rewiring….

4/25 Day 13

Sunday was a lovely day. I went to the gym and then spent again most of the afternoon out. Of course, I was visited by the thought of Mistress Natalia several times. In particular, when after exercising I went in the steam room, I was alone and I could not help but to think of Her which brought me an uncontrollable erection. It was extremely difficult to hide since I had only a towel around my waist but I was lucky enough to be able to succeed to think of something else to get it down. I think also that after 13 days of chastity I am getting horny quite easily now and leaking all the time when I am near my Mistress.

Monday, I got my RLV restrictions released and this is most comfortable to be able see names, IM and travel freely. Mistress Natalia wanted me to prepare a shooting  for my logs but I was not quick enough to do this. I must prepare better myself to these shooting whenever I have some free time so that I can be ready whenever she wants to do them. It makes me feel bad, guilty and aching to see I am disappointing her. I must work better, faster in anticipating Her desires…. I feel totally powerless, incredibly submissive and enslaved to her…as my feelings for Her don’t stop getting stronger….

I came online during  the evening to make some research for the shootings and to send my log  to Mistress Natalia but instead I have had a conversation with Miss Rosa that was very helpful. She has been very encouraging and said she is proud of me for my progresses.  She thinks I am not yet able to be a mentor for my lack of experience as a slave but that I am growing and deepening well.

After I went to bed I thought calmly to the set-up I wanted to do for the shooting following the advice of Mistress Natalia and came up clearly with what I desired to do before I fell asleep. I will tell Her when I see Her next.

4/26 Day 14

When I arrived online yesterday, I had instructions from Mistress Natalia to prepare an interview with Lady Pearle. I was excited about it and started to prepare questions that one does not have often the opportunity to ask a Mistress. When I rode the subway, thinking of Mistress Natalia and Her way to give me instructions aroused me with an erection difficult to hide. Later I realized that there was a confusion  about the instructions that left me a bit disappointed since I did not have to prepare this interview after all. Still I was happy that Mistress Natalia trusted my ability and wanted me to do this task.

Later, we shared a very nice moment shooting photos that will be used for the next blog post. I love every minute spent in Her company. On my way back home, during the subway ride, I got an erection  again  and so did I several time yesterday evening at the thought of Mistress Natalia and Her effect on my submission and training. Overall the last few days, I feel becoming steadily more and more submissive to Her in a totally natural way. When I think about how my relationship evolves and my feelings deepen, I keep having strong and throbbing erections wherever  I am or whatever I am doing….is it because I am having been chaste for two weeks now or is it because I feel more and more at ease in my submissive state? Probably a little of both….

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