My chastity log – part 4.

Posted: May 12, 2016 by frenchy in Feel the Hellfire, Sadist's Delight, Submissive Thoughts

In my experience, certain difficult moments in D/s can demonstrate dramatically how Communication and Trust are fundamental and even more critical than in any other kind of relationship. Communication helps to build the trust, and in return the trust allows us to deepen the communication. Only when they both reach a new level, it is possible to adventure ourselves with more demands and sacrifices. At the end of my last post, you could have witnessed that some doubts had started to raise in my mind, and you will see here how I continued to struggle with my emotions for about a week while I appeared lost, and in need of reassurance from Mistress Natalia. I was clearly worried about the direction we were taking, and I realized later that my stress might have also sent the wrong signals. Some talking was necessary, I will be always grateful to Mistress Natalia to have seen it, and created the circumstances so that it happens.You will see that it led me to go even deeper into submission and that it reinforced our bond.

GenesisCove_006

3/24 Day 1

Yesterday was a day with some relief as Mistress Natalia and I talked a bit casually but I wish I could have more time to stay online to talk more about certain things… Today was busy but I missed my Mistress.I hope to have some time to see her tomorrow afternoon since I won’t have much opportunities to come online this week-end. It is Day 1 today since yesterday night, I had intercourse with my wife. I still have 23 more days without touching  myself though.

3/25 Day 2

Nothing much to say today so far. I logged after lunch. Mistress Natalia was online but seemed busy not wanting to see me. I played chess in world and I visited some friends. I talked also with chigley who told me about what happened to him. I also had a small conversation with Miss Rosa.

3/26 Day 3

I spent a lazy day reading and napping, enjoying family time. I also thought of Mistress Natalia, on how things seem to have taken a different turn since She came back from Germany and that I need to speak with Her. I hope we can find a moment for that next time I see Her online.

3/27 Day 4

I miss Mistress Natalia. She left without a words after a few minutes today. I sent her a gift I hope she received it.

3/28 Day 5

I miss Mistress Natalia. These emotions are deep and it hurts continuously since almost a week. I want to trust Mistress Natalia and I have opened myself to this vulnerability state. I can endure that for some time but I am wondering if I am on the right  track…

3/29 Day 6

I am starting to feel more accurately again the physical need to touch my genitals in bed or in the morning shower and to release myself from the seeds I am accumulating in my testicles. I am realizing also that unconsciously I feel that I must be in presence of my Mistress to get some release of this physical need even if this is to endure some abuse although of course the treats Mistress Natalia gives me from time to time are my favorites. The physical need is then mixed with the emotional thirst to be with my Mistress and/or  to feel her presence in my restraints or from the RL tasks she gives me sometimes….I need that constant feeling to be owned by Mistress Natalia, my Mistress. I need her praise, I desperately need to know I make Her happy…

3/30 Day 7

I enjoyed so much the time I spent with Mistress Natalia yesterday.  Being able to have these moments with my Mistress is important for me and I am immensely grateful to Her for making them happen. It balances the D/s dynamic and it allows to know each other on different levels and also to clarify the untold. I love Her and to be Hers in this D/s relationship that I wish to strengthen and to deepen.

My body reacted again strongly to the need to touch and I could not help but rub it against furniture early this morning and to edge. After this edging I feel my testicles even more aching and needy for release…I am craving to use my hands to do so. That makes me feel pathetic, weak and surprisingly needy to feel more in my flesh the control of Mistress Natalia.

GenesisCove2_003

 

3/31 Day 8

Yesterday was uneventful, I did not come very long online since I had some things to do but being with my Mistress, pleasing  Her, serving Her is something I long for everyday. It is a craving that is building up in parallel with that increasing hitch for sexual release. My testicles and penis are aching for being stroked and emptied.  I am getting obsessed with that even more now that I edged 2 days ago…I see myself rubbing against furniture when I have an opportunity. I feel like an animal.  I am also thinking about this thing of being able to orgasm at will in a very short time for Mistress Natalia; I would love to train for that but how? ( I remembered this  story of a slave who was locked in chastity cage permanently and the cage was open once a week by his Mistress and he would erect and cum without touching right away. That sounded crazy….)

4/2 Day 10

I am getting obsessed with my chastity state. I am feeling again my testicles aching for release every other moment since yesterday.. Today when watching a  movie or reading, I could not prevent myself from squeezing my thighs and twisting myself on my armchair or even rubbing my heels against my sack and penis  to try to get some relief of that tension.  When walking in the street I had to fight hard not to get an erection when I was feeling my penis rubbing against the fabric of my pants  as I was thinking of Mistress Natalia at the same time… I don’t know how I will keep staying in that state, I feel my testicles heavy and aching as I write. I feel desperate for release but at the same time I cannot deny I enjoy the torture….

4/3 Day 11

I feel like it is has been an eternity since I did not stroke myself with my hands. I am pretty much like in the same state as yesterday. I am craving to take my testicles in my hands and squeeze them, massage them gently  to diminish the aching/hitching. I keep squeezing my thighs in the most twisted position when I can. I just would like to stroke so bad and at least edge a few times even if that will make things worse in the end.. The evil laugh of Mistress Natalia (when she read my previous entry) made me squirm with desire and I feel happy  she is amused as I keep squeezing my thighs when writing this…I cannot think straight..I cannot focus much if I have not something else that distracts me….I don’t know if I make much sense….I am between the strong desire to obey my Mistress and the need of my body for release… or to be touched….sometimes I have the temptations to use my hands…I feel so pathetic with my contortions …yet I can’t take the risk of deceiving my Mistress because I prefer one million times more to please Her than having release: I need and crave Her more than anything.

4/5 Day 13

Yesterday Mistress Natalia allowed me to use my hands to touch myself in the shower and in return we will go shopping for her.  She is so generous to let me have some release and to give me an opportunity to please Her in going shopping with Her.  I love Her, I hope she will have extravagant shopping desires so that I can please her extravagantly.

So I did touch myself  last night as I could not wait any longer. I inserted a finger in my bum, chanting the 6 words sentence in my head and  with my other hand I started to massage my sack and stroke my penis which got hard and throbbing very quickly. I did not do it very long because I felt I could not keep doing it without getting an orgasm. I kept massaging my testicles a bit more though but when I removed my finger from my anus a small quantity of sperm came out of my penis just on its own….I could not control it. I did not touch very long but still I felt so bad and so guilty and I hope Mistress Natalia won’t be too much displeased. The feeling of guilt ruined the relaxation I was hoping from playing with myself and my testicles still hurt and I am still desperate for having an orgasm which might be delayed even more now…..

This morning I woke up with strong thoughts of my Mistress and of some of the things we said yesterday. My feeling for her are getting stronger and deeper. My penis was hard and throbbing and I leaked some precum. (since I sleep naked, I might have stained the sheets), I feel like something has changed or is changing inside me. I am not sure what exactly but I feel something new, a desire I never had before….It is not a desire to serve or to obey or to please her…may be a desire to suffer for Her…

 

4/6 Day 1

So yesterday, we did some shopping with Mistress Natalia. It was already a pleasure to spoil her but then she spoiled me with the most exciting treat afterwards. She teased me in such a wicked way that i got horny like hell in my own office leaking pre-cum in my underwear. Her sweetness,  her strict directives, the verbal humiliation, the teasing about a RL chastity device, the privilege to go in bed with Her and the orgasm under her command, all this was mind blowing. I did not expect it and I am grateful to my Mistress to surprise me like she does every time. I adore this spontaneity, her genius to create such moments from an impulsion or an intuition and to take me generously in her wicked and rich world of sensations and feelings. Moreover knowing she has enjoyed this moment as much as I did is the cherry on the cake. I love you Mistress, You are so special.

GenesisCove2_012

4/7 Day 2

Each time I am in company of Mistress Natalia my heart is pounding and my penis twitches or leaks. This happened yesterday and more so when we spoke about a RL chastity device. Each time I leak pre-cum it makes the chastity period more aching and difficult to endure. So I started yesterday evening to feel my testicles needing some care already. However it was fine it is just 2 days since my last orgasm.  Now I think that conversation about the RL chastity device had however a big impact on me because during the night I dreamed of Mistress Natalia and woke up thinking about the device. I got a strong arousal and became extremely hard and then, when I realized how it would be painful to have the device with such an arousal I became  even harder and throbbing, leaking pre-cum probably staining the sheets.  I could not stop  completely thinking about it and it happened several times during the night, so many times that it felt like it was continuous for several hours. Even this morning I had that hard-on throbbing like it rarely happens. I was even wondering if I could stop it…..I can’t imagine how it will be when I wear this cage and Mistress Natalia teases me…..

4/8 Day 3

So Mistress Natalia found a place in Chelsea where she wanted me to get a device that she chose to restrict my RL “pee pee” as she always ironically says. After the excitation to be locked by Her it caused me the night before and my profound  desire to please Her, I could not resist to obey Her instruction even though this is making me extremely nervous. So I went there, it was very easy to find and in fact I discovered this neighborhood has a lot of such shops. When I entered inside, I was not really nervous but still I preferred to check out the items on my own without having to ask a person there explaining  I was looking for a chastity device (smiles) but of course those were displayed in a  showcase so … I had to. The thing looked like we had seen on the website just a bit larger than I expected: it was sitting in a white box like those designed for the apple products so I just bought the i-chastity device  and left..

So…later at home, yesterday night, I tried it and then realized it was not that easy to put it on. In particular, the ring is difficult to insert since one needs to pass the scrotum and the penis inside. I thought I could not do it but I succeeded eventually with the larger ring. It felt tight enough but since it was taking a huge place I worked out to put the middle ring and it worked. Then I put the part on the penis itself which is narrow even though I wasn’t aroused. In the end once everything is put together and locked, it’s a big package which is not so easy to hide probably because of the ring which is  quite thick. I took a few pictures for Mistress Natalia. It’s not very comfortable and it is impossible to forget when it is on but it does not hurt…. well at least when one is not aroused….

4/10 Day 4

Yesterday was the first time I had to wear the device when online with Mistress Natalia who demanded from me to wear it 30 minutes before I had to go offline at my research seminar. Even though It made me extremely nervous and I wanted to start that later I could not refuse her this amusement. As She showed me off in my new state to Miss Rosa and teased me, I immediately felt aroused and at the same time weaker and more submissive than usual. In that state, the impossibility to fully erect is utmost frustrating and source of excitement at the same time. It is caused by the narrowness of the cage (even when I am not aroused) and of the ring that must limit the blood flow. Instead of getting fully erected I feel my penis twitch more and consequently leak pre-cum. That makes me feel weak, horny, submissive and pathetic. It is a suffering but a pleasure at the same time. Later in the afternoon, when speaking with Mistress Natalia, I was constantly distracted by these sensations as I felt aroused by Her presence and attention. Consequently I have leaked a lot on Friday and it was fortunate I had protected my underwear with some tissue otherwise my pants would have been certainly wet. These leaks add to my frustration and even if it is only 4 days after my last orgasm, I am starting to feel like it is more.

My wife and I went out today and did some shopping. In the afternoon we decided to go get some massage at one of our local Chinese massage joints. The young female masseur who took care of me was particularly skilled and I felt very relaxed and she even massaged my bum lower than they usually do in these places. It was so good that I got very aroused and would have been fully erect if I had not stayed on my stomach. Instead my penis twitched  and leaked. I felt even more aroused when it made me think of Mistress Natalia and the chastity device She had me get… Fortunately neither my wife who were getting a massage next to me nor the masseur noticed or that would have been very embarrassing. Now my body is feeling needy again for release….

GenesisCove3_124

4/11 Day 5

After i wrote my log last night, I watched a movie and went to bed around 2am. I was tired, nevertheless I woke up maybe 2 hours later with Mistress Natalia in my thoughts. These thoughts got me aroused, throbbing and leaking for most of the night. I was so horny and leaking that it felt like I could have an orgasm in just a few seconds even though I was not touching myself. This disturbed my sleep the entire night even though I was trying to think of something else as my mind was always coming back to the same thing. I have the impression that my brain circuits for arousal are getting completely rewired towards just the thought of being owned, controlled, used or abused by Mistress Natalia or in three words of being her bitch. I am really becoming a pervert if I was not one already ! LOL

I got out of bed with a fully erected and leaking penis at 11 am to answer a call. I was dying to stroke and cum but I could not. I even believe that if I had decided to disobey and do this without permission I would not have taken any pleasure but would only had a felt guilty to displease my Mistress. My sexual stamina was so high that I had to cool it off one way or another; so I decided to go to the gym. I think I never was as full of energy in the gym as I was this morning despite the very agitated night. At some moment, my thoughts drifted to Mistress Natalia and even when I was running I could feel I was going to get a full erection if I let it go. After the gym, the sauna, the cold shower I was feeling better. I walked back home satisfied of that gym session and relaxed.

However, I know something is changing deep inside me. It comes from and is for Mistress Natalia. It is new and exciting. I would lie or would be stupid not to be nervous about it. I am clearly losing control. That’s fine because I trust Her. It is possible because I trust Her. I have decided to embrace this and I think I love it. It balances with other aspects of my personality and my life. Where ever it takes me, it takes us, I think the adventure is worth it because of who Mistress Natalia is. My deep and special feelings for Her are part of that journey and it is what makes it even more real…

 

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