My chastity log – part 1.

Posted: April 18, 2016 by frenchy in Feel the Hellfire, Isn't It Divine?, Sadist's Delight, Submissive Thoughts

I met Mistress Natalia on January 20th; and since then, it has been a roller coaster ride of emotions I would not have imagined in my wildest dreams. I am a French guy in his forties,  successful in my scientific field of research and married, some would say alpha in my everyday RL life. A few years ago, I have  discovered a taste for D/s dynamics and more recently an irresistible attraction for dominant women. It is banal to say that often in our society a man discovering such desires struggles in accepting them and understanding what they really are about. However, if one keeps an open mind and one meets the right person, it can become much easier. Like many of us, I have had numerous experiences in SL with various people and it took  me some time to figure out what is what and for example make the difference between being kinky and being submissive: Enjoying a strap-on does not make you a submissive and being submissive does not mean you desire to be used in this way, but I am digressing now…

What I wanted to say is that when I met Mistress Natalia, I was not only struck by Her sharp intelligence, Her open mind and how easy it is to communicate with Her or in one word how I clicked with Her exceptional personality but also by the fact that I knew for certain that if I had met Her earlier I would not have struggled so much in accepting and understanding my inner needs. It is for these reasons, as I told Her that day, that I felt extremely lucky just to have had the chance to speak with Her (even if at that moment I did not expect this would go anywhere). It does not mean it is easy of course; nothing of value in life comes easily. But serving Mistress Natalia is worth all the sacrifices I can make for this to happen and learning how to serve Her is a permanent and exciting challenge that I find myself incredibly privileged and grateful to be able to take. Even in the most difficult moments, my passion for Her doesn’t stop growing.

At Her request, I am presenting below some extracts of my chastity log or journal that She asked me to start writing about a month after we met. You will see how my feelings and devotion have developed and how I am becoming more enslaved to Her every single day. It also shows how I naively opened myself to Her and how confused I am in the process. If you can read between the lines like She can, you might see even more about my vulnerabilities.

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2/17

Mistress Natalia who gave me the privilege to own me and which I still am learning how to please allowed me to play with myself last night with  the specific instruction of inserting my middle finger inside my rectum when doing it. I very rarely do it this way and it brings mixed feelings and sensations. I let my mind wander when I was wriggling my finger and stroking my shaft, letting some fantasies taking control of my arousal — Mistress Natalia and her constant reminder that I am Her Property and under Her Strict Control is what made me the most excited (after the idea of Her fucking me with a strap-on with some of her sexy leather outfits). It was very exciting but at the same time, I felt pathetic to do this with my finger there… When I reached my orgasm, I ejaculated a thicker sperm than usual probably due to the several days of chastity that had just ended. But the finger inside my anus sort of ruined the pleasure I usually have when doing this; so I did it another time but removed the finger just before I came, it was not as good as it would have the first time though but it was a true relief. A new period of chastity is now starting, I am determined to honor Mistress Natalia’s will and control proudly.

2/18  Day 1

I woke up thinking of Mistress Natalia and feeling through a morning arousal the grip she holds already on my mind. Just thinking how She seemingly effortless makes me bend to Her will and control boosted my arousal even more and I found myself throbbing even harder and sort of uncontrollably. It left me  frustrated physically not to be allowed to touch myself still knowing that this constraint was also fueling my  arousal: one of the many contradictions and mixed feelings of a submissive in a D/s relationship.

I did not really think I would have to say anything about my chastity condition on this first day but eventually I had. As my mind was wandering and was considering what I could write in my log today, I realized and convened that giving my thoughts away every day in this log  will give as many keys to Mistress Natalia on how to lock me even more under Her control. Looking back at the path taken already until now in about a month, considering the mistakes I have made and how I paid for them progressively without blinking, either to show my willingness to please (and because there was no real other option) or even because I knew I deserved it, seeing how I am already craving Mistress Natalia’s presence so much that  I would just content myself to be near Her when She chats with others seemingly ignoring some of my remarks but knowing She watches me, feeling my hunger to please and to receive strict orders from Her…..all that…makes me deeply aware of my situation and scares me that there might be no turning back, in the sense that I might not want to turn back even if I wanted to. In other words, I feel that the control I have given willingly to Mistress Natalia might already be out of my reach to take it back, me who once had limits, I see myself swallowing things for Her I would not have done for anyone before…..that’s how good  and amazing She is….

2/19 Day 2

I feel very lucky, proud and privileged not only to become closer and closer to Mistress Natalia but to be now Her bitch carrying a new name  “frenchy” she has chosen for me with all what it entails. As Miss Rosa said “I have got this far” and it makes me so happy to have pleased Mistress Natalia as much as it made me earn this. Seeing Her happy or pleasing Her is what gives all the meaning to this incipient bond that is making me more vulnerable but at the same time stronger. More vulnerable because I am craving Her more everyday and am slowly but surely opening myself to give Her more ways to control me, to own me or to inflict me pain.  Stronger because my feelings and trust in Her fill me with courage and strength to deal with the challenges ahead which make me nervous as I feel more and more that I am approaching the point of no return. Should I tell her my heart races each time she appears online or when I read  ” ηɑէɑlιɑ Қєşşєl is typing….” on the top my chat window or she knows it already?

2/20 Day 3

Yesterday was busy and intense. Busy because I had to perform in a gay acting show, had to serve Miss Mancipia and her friend Miss Alix and finally and unexpectedly got dressed in a whore outfit by Mistress Natalia and Miss Rosa for a next to come pimp out trip. Intense because of the consequent deep humiliations that entail these.

Of course, my deep desire and motivation is to bring happiness and amusement to my Mistress. Seeing She is satisfied, happy and proud is an immense joy and a genuine intimate pride. This is a truly amazing feeling which is boosted by my growing love for Her. On the other hand, the humiliations and manipulations I am the subject of  are undoubtedly tougher and psychologically more exhausting each time. I am not a masochist. But I think I have been able to handle them quite well  thanks to  the smiles that all this has brought on the face of Mistress Natalia.

I am well aware that at the same time this allows Her to take  even more control over me and that fact combined with Her strong confidence in Her power  and  Her irradiant presence , when I thought of it a posteriori  has brought me again tonight an uncontrollable arousal. I felt my penis grow suddenly hard and throbbing so much that I felt like a warm pulsation was enveloping all my senses and my mind. I could almost have been dreaming  that Mistress Natalia was physically with me and  had tied me up at Her mercy and  were stroking me to the edge forbidding me to cum. It was very strong and powerful like I was high and this shows one more time that Power/Exchange turns me on like nothing else. It happened two times during the night which was therefore quite agitated….

I thought about a metaphor…. The first few days with Mistress Natalia, it was like I was walking in shallow waters..my bare feet would hurt some stones and I would have to be more careful how to progress…as I pursue the journey the water gets deeper and, faster than I thought  I need to walk on my toes to keep my head above water…I am following her and I feel that  I will soon need to learn how to swim and even to swim in deep waters….when that time comes, that will signify I have lost all control…

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2/22 Day 5

During the day following the last entry, I was quite nervous and anxious. It was probably because I did not sleep much the night before which was agitated as I said. I was mixed between the desire to come online and the need to take a break from the intense emotions I am increasingly feeling since I met Mistress Natalia. Also I went out in Central Park and in my neighborhood, the week-end was quite nice. I just came online Saturday to send my log and to greet Miss Rosa at DS.

However Saturday and Sunday nights  were still agitated : when I was in bed, my mind was freely wandering and I experienced again those arousal  which are getting more and more frustrating since I can’t touch myself. It does not only become frustrating but also obsessing when I sometimes am unable to think of something else and craving to be near my Mistress just to be given strict orders and to feel Her superiority and Dominance over me. And also, this state of chastity makes me feel even more submissive and confused…I don’t know what I want….if I want to be released from chastity or being enforced more…maybe because I know  that what I desire is actually what Mistress Natalia wants….

And She said I will need a life jacket …

2/23 Day 6

I can’t believe it has been only 6 full days of chastity. The last interval of abstinence was 9 days and I could have kept it longer but this time the frustration and the physical need for release is much higher. I haven’t interacted much with Mistress Natalia yesterday but even when I hung out with my SL friends She was in the back of my mind. And I spent an unusual amount of time to look for shoes that I liked and that I hope She would like to complement her outfit. So, She is kind of getting obsessively in my mind now…like I am in love….

After hanging out with my SL friends, I have had a more peaceful evening though until before going to bed when I checked my email  and  read these words from Mistress Natalia’s response to my last entry : “Right where I want you animal”. These simple words hit me harder than I could have expected. And the night was a bit agitated not only because of these words dancing in my mind when I went to bed but because for about 3 times during the night when I was half conscious half asleep I felt a kind  of convulsive arousal : My penis was growing and twitching at the same time uncontrollably as I was imagining Mistress Natalia smacking hard my bare ass with her bare hand. As I was in that state, I felt like an animal – literally- left with just my basic urges of sex, fear and submission. I had touched my penis I would have ejaculated in no time. I leaked however leaving me frustrated, pathetic and weak as I had no will to break my chastity cycle but only a desire to stay in the state Mistress Natalia wants me to be in.

The training I am receiving from Mistress Natalia seemed to appear in a new light. The fact She sometimes calls me “animal”, like if this is where She wants me to be – as she said – as an animal She can control using its basic animal urges as buttons She plays with. Of course, I kind of knew that before, but only unconsciously or just theoretically but last night I felt it in my flesh…

2/24 Day 0

Yesterday Mistress Natalia showered me with attention and rewarded me with an unexpected non-BDSM time which filled me with happiness and gratitude. The time spent with Mistress Natalia flies always and makes me each time desire for more, wanting to know more of Her and realizing how little I know and how much I need or crave to learn. There is no such thing as learning all about someone but spending time with Her, impregnating myself of Her ways to be and interact and learning the information She lets out about Herself is how my curiosity and needs of Her will be fed. Maybe more importantly, it fuels the relationship in intimacy and trust and makes it ready to develop more as possibilities open up.

This is Day 0 again because Mistress Natalia instructed me to orgasm last night time and to achieve this in 60 s or less. This is towards my training to reaching orgasm on command. As instructed, I isolated myself in the bathroom and set the stopwatch to 60 s before playing with my penis. No need to say I was a bit stressed not to succeed considering the past nights frustrations. Maybe for this reason and because  of the very short time I had to set up my mind to this, I hardly succeeded to get a full erection but on the other hand, I came quite pathetically releasing myself of some of the  load of sperm I had accumulated during  the strong arousal of the past few days. So I consider it as half a success…I would need some help from Mistress Natalia to learn how to set up my mind faster….

 

 

Comments
  1. declan says:

    You are an excellent writer, thank You Miss Natalia for having him post. Very informative, smiles.

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